I'm all lost in the supermarket, I can no longer shop happily. I came in here for a special offer; a guaranteed personality.

HEY!
I have internet again, though maybe not for long. It's quite temperamental, the neighbours' wifi. It's great! Or not. I can't tell, really, since now I'm not forced to occupy myself with productive tasks such as reading, or cleaning my room, or studying Japanese, or lurking around the streets aimlessly like the troublesome adolescent that I am, like a wolf, galloping around vegas looking for strippers and cocaine...
And there it goes again. No internet. Oh well.
I'll just keep talking like nothing is wrong, kind of like how I do when my mum looks worried about my grandfather, but that really shouldn't go ignored. It's tragic when people get old and their brains go fuzzy, but then some people say that alzheimers is the mental illness is which people suffer the least, because they don't know it's happening. I think that's what I'm most afraid of; having to be completely reliant on other people, and this may sound awful, but I'd rather die in one go than have my brain cells die off slowly until reality begins to scare the Hell out of me. You know how the elderly with dementia are like that? I have a great aunt who's convinced the nurses are deliberately stopping her from meeting her husband at the train station in Bendigo. And my grandfather believes that the nurses are trying to poison him and that his room mate is trying to kill him. It's so horrific, thinking about why he might be having such violent dreams, and I miss the man who taught me cool things like how to peel an orange without a knife, jokes about pigs on walls (it's hilarious, but I can't tell you, because only a true Kartomi can tell it and capture its full comedic effect), how to do this funky pen twirl thing, cheat moves in chess, and how to cook tofu so delicious even the most anti tofu carnivores wouldn't be able to turn it down.
I've also been thinking about jokes, and well, society's expectations of everyone. What is okay to laugh at and what is not and my brain is so confused, because I laugh at nearly everything before thinking, 'Oh no. I shouldn't have laughed at that. That's so CRUEL.' But it's funny? Should it be funny? Okay, examples:




I laughed at both. I'm such a terrible person.
Here is another thing; I read once that if you don't have a personality, strangely enough you become interesting. Okaylah, I'm not so sure about the validity of this statement because a) I have no personality and b) I haven't become interesting yet. Maybe it's because I'm still developing. No way hozay. I was done developing by the time I was 13! This is so unfair. I get the freak show chest so early and then I still have to deal with hormones and crap now?! The other day, I woke up in the morning feeling a tad bilious and started crying. I cried for two hours straight and the only reason I stopped crying was because the people on Whitehorse Rd were looking at me strangely and I was late to school and when I arrived at school I had to seem normal, whatever that means. My father told me he thought I was different! DIFFERENT! You're not supposed to tell your crazed, stressed out, confused teenage daughter that she's different. You're supposed to peer-ent me. Or try something lame like that, not come all out and be like 'You know, Jesse, I think you're different. Am I right? Do you get bullied for being different?'
Do I get bullied? Not that I know of. Why? Because at my school it's done sneakily and even if people did bitch about me, quite frankly, I can't think of anything they could say except like judge me for being quiet, or for dressing weird or because my hair is a psycho that wants to compete with Medussa in the wackiest hair competition. Or for being vegan but SCREW YOU ALL WHO MOCK ME.
And then, when I arrived home from school that day, I just started crying again and didn't stop until dinner and my brothers looked at me very weirdly with expressions that wondered if they should comfort me or insult me.
By the way, here is me mentioning Just Another Person, who I *think* mentioned me in her blog not too long ago- she's going to make a vegan cake, which is hebat:)I love it when people embrace the vegan lifestyle.
Also, I just want to say that Emily is awesome. Because she is, so don't question it. I don't ignore her on purpose. She drew me a unicorn and a lion.
I think my parents are worried about me. Last year, there was talk of me going to see a counseller because I apparently seemed (seem?) to have issues. And then when I wouldn't tell them why I was crying my dad just looked at me sadly and said that I could always talk to him or Mum, and that they'd always be there to listen to me etc. It was nice, but sometimes it's sickening how hard he tries to win me over, with his 'let's talk about our feelings' sessions he attempts to engage me in. I know they're my parents, but why do they care so much? You know, I realised the stupidity of that question the second it entered my head but still. I just don't understand why they vituperate me one minute, and smile at me hopefully the next. Maybe I'm just a contumelious teenage daughter. You can't ever just reduce people to stereotypes though, can you?