Hello blogspot.

I would like to go to sleep, but only so I can wake again soon. I have things to do and things to think and I would really like to be tired now so I can be less tired when my alarm goes off at in a few hours.

I wish I understood.

I unashamedly love the movie 'Remember Me'.
I miss my full fringe.
I don't understand love.
I eat more tofu than is healthy.
I like making up lives for strangers.
I exploit my slight claim to Indonesian heritage to seem interesting.
I read less than I think is vital for the soul.
I lack the ability to think logically; my sense isn't so common.
I often refuse people offering to drive me places.
I daydream at night.
I worry I can't do anything to help.
I don't care that I don't care about economics.
I spend too much time alone.
I have never been drunk.
I laze around suburban streets looking for a life I can enjoy.
I sometimes feel suffocated.
I tend to resent my middle class upbringing, which even I know is ridiculous.
I should be credited for how much over-analysing I do.
I pretend to enjoy things like art and fashion but really I just like pretty things.
I can become insecure around other people incredibly quickly.
I drink a lot of coffee.
I use a fair amount of dark eyeliner, as if to make myself more than I am.
I dislike hypocrisy.
I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I probably won't be much different ten years from now on the inside.
I am terrified of being completely dependent on another human being.
I have purple hair ambition.
I know I should accept it just the way it is but I hate my body.
I think about myself far too often.

I Am That I Am.

these are some truths i think you shouldn't talk to me about later.

I almost went to bed
without remembering
the four white violets
I put in the button-hole
of your green sweater
and how I kissed you then
and you kissed me
shy as though I’d
never been your lover.

Leonard Cohen

I liked it when he smiled

Also, I would have liked this is if it were a group of facebook.



Is it not shamefully true? I'm awkward most all the time though, so I guess it doesn't make too much of a difference.

Sometimes I have to hold myself back

from saying things to people that I so want to say but can't for fear that I'll stuff up the relationship because I'll freak them out with how much I rely on them to keep me, well, me. I feel like I should just dive in and be completely open and honest, because I'm not talking along the lines of if you can't be nice, don't say anything at all thread, no, no, I just want people to know how much they mean to me. It's strange to think what kind of person I'd be if I hadn't become friends with the people I have, or even who I'd be if the relationships hadn't developed the ways they have.
You know, apparently (according tumblr), scientists have proven that humans' brains are linked to each other through neuron activities, so there's a chance that if you spend all day thinking of someone, they may just be thinking of you too.. It's a nice thought, yes? I have to stop abusing the word 'nice'.
I think I'm grateful. Yes. That is a good word- I'm grateful to a whole heap of people and yet, I'm still a terrible friend to pretty much everyone I know; except for maybe my brother because I am so gosh darn kind to him, although tonight he did offer to share his blanket with me, so we're almostnotreally even.

I want to fall in love, damnit. I want to want someone so much that they become my enoughness.

I want to be wanted.




Unfortunately, I'm not so hopelessly romantic that that sweet picture will satisfy me. Oh well. You know what they say- it'll all be fine in the end and if it's not fine, it's not the end. But does the end mean death? What?!

Ricky Gervais: “Why I’m an Atheist”

“As an atheist, I see nothing “wrong” in believing in a god. I don’t think there is a god, but belief in him does no harm. If it helps you in any way, then that’s fine with me. It’s when belief starts infringing on other people’s rights when it worries me. I would never deny your right to believe in a god. I would just rather you didn’t kill people who believe in a different god, say. Or stone someone to death because your rulebook says their sexuality is immoral. It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are.”

Amen.

Here is my Thought Of The Day:

I really need to put more time into posting and/or, thinking about stuff.
I have a lot of more pictures that can represent my Thoughts Of The Moment but I don't know if blogspot's really the place.
You know, if people stopped being sexist/misogynist/chauvanistic/a-female-who-is-against-male-rights-altogether-ist/speciest/racist/fascist/anything kind of -ist, life might just be sweet. To quote Ferris Bueller, who is my Confucius, "Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself." And I think I just completely undermined my point there with him using the male pronoun there.
I have to pretty much restrain myself from pretending not to care and just being all like 'It's all good, bro'.
My friend, a capitalist with glasses and carnivore tendencies, just told his girlfriend he loved her. And she said it back. Isn't that adorable? I'm so glad young love exists even for someone so seemingly practical as he:)
Enough. I'm sleepy and feeling kind of bitchy.

Hay there robot.

I sometimes want to do this. Just to see what happens. And to see if there's anything I can pick out so that maybe any blackness will just go away.
I'm so scared I'm wasting my life sometimes. I waste my life being unhappy, so I cook a cake that everyone else in my family adores but, in my eyes, becomes the Cake of Too Chocolatey A Taste. Because you know, being vegan means you have "refined tastes" and are thus incapable of eating anything of richer substance than tofu. I appreciate tofu.
I went to a park today. It was empty and cold and so I left but that feeling just followed me and it's now sitting on my bookshelf. It's funny, waving at me. I suppose we are old friends.
Tomorrow I will be productive, I say. Tomorrow I will start on my homework. Tomorrow I will eat healthily and drink enough water. Tomorrow I will realise what's missing from my life and go hunt it down wherever it has been hiding from me.
I was going to do a whole hair post on how to dye your hair etc. etc. but I figure no one really cares. I don't care either as the hair dresser will be the one playing with the chemicals, not me. Isn't this an insanely lovely colour?



And this:



Perhaps this:



These are all stolen from the internet. It's a shame I can't claim to know the girls in the pictures.
I need to consume less caffiene. It makes me feel jittery and question whether life is absurd or not too much.
It's 12.25am. I wonder what the moon is up to.
Why does the internet never sleep?

you got them black circles round your eyes

you're moving in dark circles
dark circles show me your eyes
it's black magic with no perfume
you're all tv & white lies

move move move move
no rainbow all snow storm A trans lunar jezebel
your Stockhausen with pictures
ulysses in ugly shoes
move move move move

dark circles
black magic
dark circles
and white lie
black magic

dark circles
black magic
and white lies
dark circles
black magic

dark circles
no perfume
black magic
dark circles
black magic
and white lies

- Duran Duran, Dark Circles

in your head they're fighting

I gave into consumerism today, and now I feel somewhat dead inside. I own a new pair of shiny black pointy flats that I’ve wanted to own for who knows how long (I actually do know, ever since year 9 when Amy strolled down the Butt Building corridor wearing them- she used to have such awesome style, and now she’s just another indie stoner) and I don’t even feel slightly uplifted. I think of how they could improve my wardrobe, and no. Just no. It just feels like more money flushed down the drain in the name of the filthy money mongering system and I am now hollow to the will of capitalism. FUCK I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. And I just swore. Ha HA. So evil and vulgar I am. Yet another deluded teenage delinquent who’s convinced they’ll conquer the world.

They’re size nine. And they’re a tad tight. But the ten was too big. I’m so confused. It’s like my ambiguity of shoe size is a METAPHOR for my inability to commit to anything or anyone. Stupid feet. How dare you be weirdly sized. I have a theory that I’m afraid. (I don’t think you can have theories about yourself, can you? But I have plenty!) Because it’s like the second someone shows an interest in me, in me alone, I get scared and insecure and feel cornered and my throat starts closing in on itself.

You know, I might have trust issues too.

Shopping centres are such horrible places. The people there walk around like robots, unblinking, lust, consume, waste. There’s no air, no spirit, no dust, no magic- everything looks the same and I can’t enjoy fashion in the way I generally consider it to be an art form. There’s no drama; no, I don’t really like you, apologetically dressed but I have to admit, on the other hand, I like what I wore today. I’d tell you, but it won’t sound cool, it’ll just be words on a page but I did wear my army boots today. I’ve decided to try an experiment; a challenge, if you can call something so trivial that, and that is to wear my boots every day for the next two weeks. Yay. How super pumped are you for me?! I’ll become just like one of those supposedly tough kids with anarchy tendencies who pretend they’re not conforming. Is anyone ever not pretending?



I want freedom.

DAH CUTENESS

I'll just add that to my collection of giraffe photos. (Why would anyone care?! Sorry. But this is my blog! DON'T READ IT IF I BORE YOU.)

One more day till slightly greater freedom.

Let be, let be, let be.

Much love,
From Me.

I've never felt like enough.

It stresses me out when there aren't enough people with lives I can stalk.

I have found that there is actually no greater pleasure in life for me, at this very moment in my life, than pounding the pavements at night time. I know I kind of waffled on about this in the last post... but really, I love walking alone in the early hours of the morning or the later hours of the evening, probably more than is sane or, you know, safe. I love how different the world looks at night; how trees become hives of activity and how the roads become empty and how electricity poles become pillars of irrational security.
The Earth just changes, and it's as if I'm the only person left, as sickeningly cliched as that is, but I welcome the solitude and the silence and it's weird how you can feel so alone but so a part of something wonderful at the same time, but then I have to question just how wonderful humanity really is...
I was required to attend a speech night tonight, held by the Invergowrie Foundation or something whose primary focus is the education of girls in Australia, and Tania de Jong spoke about the importance of not silencing your voice, no matter what life throws at you, and I have to admit, I did sit there bored and almost overwhelmed by her cheesy albeit well meaning speech until the end, when she showed us this video in which some recipients from her entrepreneurial charity, which is a choir made up of people from all walks of life, were interviewed. I hate to get all soft and emotional but what really struck me about the video was, really, the triump of human spirit that can be, that is seen from people all over the world in the most dire of circumstances and what really pains me is that so many people suffer at the hands of other people. Again, I'm going all cliched-emo-sentimental but though there are too many things about the human race that I dislike to go into, what I consider to be the most redeeming qualities of us will always remain constant, down through the ages- compassion and courage.
To completely change the topic... not really a fan of people who sound like badly worded thesauruses. Just speak properly. Please. It hurts my ears and my eyes to hear and see vomit that is pretentious for the sake of being pretentious and that doesn't even make sense.
Pyjamas are comfy.
I feel like I should be doing homework, but I literally have nothing to do. I even finished my Economics, but I should probably do it again considering I attempted it at 3 in the morning....
And so nothing to do! I hate losing people. I hate when it feels like I can't stop it either.

Why do posts always end up trailing off like this? I guess, in true nerual style, I just got bored:D

I like the air best when it's crisp and smells of fire.

Just like I like the road best when I can stomp my boots right down the middle of it to the sounds of Lykke Li, and how the sky is at my favouritest when it's dark with clouds that have positioned themselves arbitrarily.

You Know You're Tired When....

- You fall asleep while blow drying your hair.
- Coffee (the joy of life!) makes you think, Oh no, I can’t take any more
- Bananas become a confusing concept for you
- You yell at your brother in a foreign language
- Your head is constantly in pain
- Showers in the black of morning are spent mourning the death of oh so sweet night time
- Floors and tables are indistinguishable from beds in your eyes
- You laugh hysterically at your dad’s jokes and then
- You grumble at your dad to ‘Stop Being So Loud. Dammit.’
- You find your adorable dog annoying
- You stop caring
- You feel engulfed by life and VCE and crazy shiz that’s going down errrrywhere

I’m sorry if I’m ever incredibly rude! It’s mainly because I want to pass out.

However, we must keep going! It's almost holidayyys, oh the summer dayz. That aren't so summery any more, but hey, there'll be sunshine of some kind, I'm sure, and that thought alone is sustaining me. You know how you get near the end of something and you feel like you've done so much and you just can't be bothered to finish off the last morsel of activity...that may just be me, and my non committal attitude to everything, but No! Not this year. I refuse. I will COMMIT.

Here is a tip. My dad is big on tips, especially ones from extremely old dead guys who wrote poetry.



I like this take on the original quote. I wrote this on the inside of my wardrobe, so it's the first thing I see whenever I reach for clothes. It's a wonderful message, even with the obscenity of language.

LOVE.

Who are you?

Take away your family, your friends, your life as you know it, and what's left of you?
"Is this a trick question? I'm dead, right?"
How much do other people make up our identity? Is it so much that we're not able to be ourselves without them? Does this only happen because we let them, or does nature just roll us into this pattern of needing the people we know to the point that without them we feel like we're missing part of us?
I hate disconnecting with others. But at the same time, I think silence is a huge chunk of what I am too.

I win at life, finally.

I finally figured out an awesome New Years resolution that will definitely, absolutely, positively change my life and that is both simple and straight to the point!!!!! None of that wishy washy I'll be healthy and compassionate and not hurt trees and study consistently with consistent effort of the most consistent manner stuff. I know it's March, but seriously, better late than never!
My resolution iiiiiiiiiiiiiiis that:
I WILL RETURN ALL MY LIBRARY BOOKS ON TIME! This encouraes me to actually read the books, I hope, or at the very least, prevents me from having to squander my hard earned money on fines! Hooray! Yay. You don't have to care:D
Happy Monday, for tomorrow.
On a totally unrelated note:

A typical conversation with a customer at 7 in the morning.

Customer: *yawns*
Me: Hello! How's it going? (this is where my chirpiness ends)
Customer: Fine...2 croissants thanks.
Me: mumble mumble? Mumble!
(I can never really talk until I've been up for a while and have coughed sufficient amounts.)
Me: Mumble mumble please.
Customer: *hands over note of some ridiculously large amount*
Me: Thank youu. Here's mumble mumble mumble.

I should probably work on the mumbling.

On another note, indecisive customers are the bane of my existence- especially those that demand their money back after touching all the bread I've carefully packaged for them because they decide it's too "crunchy".
HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPECT FRESH BREAD TO BE?!

And another thing, people are so strange. Example #32758: Every single middle aged woman who comes into the bakery on a Saturday morning walks in with a full face of makeup but then decides to wear a tracksuit with it. It's like they put so much effort into their faces (and I applaud them, because most of them seem to know how to make themselves look very nicely made up) that when they got to the rest of their bodies, they just decided to give up. Why on earth do people do this wearing of yucky clothes in public?
I suppose it doesn't matter. And I'm probably somehow being all anti feminist and completely materialistic here by complaining about this, but I don't care! Don't tell me things like this aren't important! What if you ran into Prince William? Oscar Wilde? JESUS?
Anyway, I'm sorry. But jeans. You can wear jeans and I won't complain at all. You can even wear the tracksuit jumper with the jeans.

Another thing is I'm thinking about quitting my job and applying at the cafe just up the road. Or do those things but in reverse order. Change is scary though- the bakery's all I've ever known.



FORWARD MARCH!

I've adopted a green grasshopper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnvgq8STMGM
Ophelia has a sassy gay friend, and he thinks: "There is something rotten in the state of Denmark. AND IT'S HIS PISS POOR ATTITUDE."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCVc5TaPpe8
Schwarzenegger is HAMLET- "Hamlet is taking out the trash" ohhh yeah. "To be, or not to be...Not to be." *explosions*

I've been thinking about maybe studying overseas after graduation (that is, if I make it that far), even for only a semester or two. Melbourne and its universities are incredible, and I love the city itself, but how wonderfully rejuvenating an experience it would be to just leave and stay left. I was thinking maybe England (AH England, that would just be absolutely amazing) or I think I heard of this international university in Holland when I was in Indonesia. Its primary language is English, but people of all nationalities attend and it'd surely be like one big party of multiculturalism and a blur of almost nonsensical communication through vast seas of language. I'll have to do more research into it.

I get to leave early tomorrow! Hooray! Except I won't be doing anything with my life, except maybe watching the VCE Theater Studies Class at St Kevins perform Animal Farm. I'd like to think my mother wasn't instilling false hope in me when she told me that's how I'd be spending my Friday evening.

Oh, and a few nights ago a grasshopper hopped its way into my room, and even though I've left the window open ever since, it still hasn't left. I guess that makes us friends? I'm naming it Gregory, as in Rasputin, of course!