The Thin People

They are always with us, the thin people
Meager of dimension as the gray people

On a movie-screen. They
Are unreal, we say:

It was only in a movie, it was only
In a war making evil headlines when we

Were small that they famished and
Grew so lean and would not round

Out their stalky limbs again though peace
Plumped the bellies of the mice

Under the meanest table.
It was during the long hunger-battle

They found their talent to persevere
In thinness, to come, later,

Into our bad dreams, their menace
Not guns, not abuses,

But a thin silence.
Wrapped in flea ridden donkey skins,

Empty of complaint, forever
Drinking vinegar from tin cups: they wore

The insufferable nimbus of the lot-drawn
Scapegoat. But so thin,

So weedy a race could not remain in dreams,
Could not remain outlandish victims

In the contracted country of the head
Any more than the old woman in her mud hut could

Keep from cutting fat meat
Out of the side of the generous moon when it

Set foot nightly in her yard
Until her knife had pared

The moon to a rind of little light.
Now the thin people do not obliterate

Themselves as the dawn
Grayness blues, reddens, and the outline

Of the world comes clear and fills with color.
They persist in the sunlit room: the wall paper

Frieze of cabbage-roses and cornflowers pales
Under their thin-lipped smiles,

Their withering kingship.
How they prop each other up!

We own no wildernesses rich and deep enough
For stronghold against their stiff

Battalions. See, how the tree boles flatten
And lose their good browns

If the thin people simply stand in the forest,
Making the world go thin as a wasp's nest

And grayer; not even moving their bones.

Forever

is a long time to promise something you don't have.

TERUS!!!

I'm only tired.

it's all make believe, isn't it?

I wonder if it's possible to fall for someone via tumblr.
I'm actually considering abandoning blogger for tumblr- and no, not so he can see what I write. It seems easier and more fun to use, because a tumblr doesn't automatically mean it will be filled with words that, really, mean nothing at all.
This particular guy is whimsical, and romantic, and propelled by a faith that there is a deeper meaning to life, and his words, although simple, spark magic on my computer screen. It doesn't hurt that he's also easy on the eyes in real life either- I knew him once. Or I knew of him? We shared a space in time once but neither took that leap to know the other. He's a friend of a friend, and our mutual friend asked me to get his attention; he'd apparently been moping for a couple of months, after he'd broken up with his girlfriend who was apparently (I use the word 'apparently' far too often) too cool for him. I think our friend's definitions of both 'moping' and 'cool' could use some updating. But this never eventuated because anyone who knows me knows I'm too shy to actually maintain a conversation with a guy, or a girl, or even a teacher, with whom I've not been previously familiar.
He writes about language, and the way he interacts with others, and little things he notices- like the moment during a summer's day when the cool wind stops for a bit and there's just sunshine and warmth- and quirky pictures. I appreciate it immensely, and don't think I could ever be good enough for anyone so wonderful. But then I think, I'm falling for his words alone. He declares that he's quiet, not shy, and while I find this extremely attractive, I don't think that could work if both parties are like that.
SIGH. C'est la vie.

I think becoming vegan made me a bitter person.

So here's a post; because I texted my friend about this and he hasn't replied even though it's already been at least 3 whole minutes and I'm kind of going out of my brain with worry. I'd just talk to someone else but I don't think they'd get it- vegans are supposed to calm, and in touch with nature, and noshoewearing hippies from whose delicate fingers stream peace and love.

I'm angry. I'm angry a whole lot nowadays, but I'm also confused. As a vegetarian, my life felt lifted and I was happier knowing nothing was murdered just for the pleasure of my taste buds. As a vegan, however, I feel like my life has been completely and irreversibly altered so that everywhere I turn now, I see sin. I see sin on my family's dinner plates. I see sin in food courts. I see sin in supermarkets. I see sin in cafes. I see sin in bakeries. I see sin in gifts. I see sin in the smiles of strangers, because they now look fake to me. How can anyone consume any animal by products and still be happy, with the knowledge that those by products were most likely not taken in the kindest of ways? And then, I feel guilty for thinking like this; I'm turning into those vegans I so despise, the ones that scream and yell and shoot withering looks at meat eaters or even vegetarians because they haven't made the same choice they have.

And then I worry that I've gone too far- that being vegan is too much for me to handle because my hardships become humanity's evils, and any sense of disapproval I feel towards meat eaters who see vegetarianism as unnecessary is multiplied up to staggering heights behind which I stand, unable to see things as they truly are, as one person- one person- will spit a condescending comment in my direction about how I'm a contradiction because I refuse to contribute to animal cruelty but feel no guilt for "hurting" plants. Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea plants had the capacity to feel emotional or physical pain. Why didn't someone tell me sooner?

I want to give up. It's too hard.






But I can't. I can't go back now, not with the understanding that the lifespan of a cow is potentially reduced by years through the milking process; not with the understanding that chickens are potentially crammed into cages where they will spend their short, miserable lives; not with the understanding that "free range" eggs potentially means chickens are stuffed into barns where many die of disease or suffocation; I can't have any part to do with potentialities of any of those situations, but I can't maintain my same state of mind either.

I guess I need an attitude change.

But you know what irks me? (No, I'm not done ranting.) When meay eaters get defensive if you question their eating habits and say 'I'm not the one who cares about animal rights; you are.' That's a totally dodge thing to say, but I've heard it on several occasions although it may have been said in jest- but seriously? So it's completely fine to say that vegetarianism in itself is a contradiction, but the murder of innocent animals makes perfect sense? I guess if you don't fight against it, then there's no need to justify your actions; thus allowing others to find *contradictions*. Tell me. Why do you eat meat? I begrudgingly admit there is logic in the "eating meat allowed the human brain to develop" argument, but do we still need meat now? Or have our brains developed so that we could and would find moral objections to abusing that intellectual superiority we have over every other animal on the planet?

Is there any validity to the "If cows were in our position, we'd be chomped up for dinner too" argument? I put it down as a hypothetical. As an impossible hypothetical over which no time should be wasted, because cows are actually herbivores- we don't eat so we're not eaten.

Now I'm just even more worked up and I'd really like to talk to someone about this but my parents drive me insane and my brothers don't care, and quite frankly, not many of my friends care either and those that do I don't want to annoy with my incessant vegan antics.

I bite my thumb at you, sir.

Rao.

Jesse's back...ALRIGHT

I'm home.
Five weeks ago I remember feeling swamped by time, almost to the point of drowning to never return to what I knew to be familiar. But that's enough of melodramatic language. I'll save that for Lit. this year.
While I was in Indonesia, I kept a journal and wrote everday, so I'm going to type up my last entry, as it sort of sums up the experience- maybe.

Departure
So this is weird; to write my final entry for this journal using a different pen to all my other entries, on a plane bumping along a runway, eager to hit the sky. It's incredibly sad leaving everyone behind. I'll miss them all, and want to see them again someday, but I realise this is of course unrealistic- even to see one of them again is rather a stretch from *perhaps* reality. I haven't cried yet, but I'm sure there's fountains of tears just waiting for a time to shine. I regret unfinished moments with people. I regret not apologising more profusely and being more aggressively grateful. But I am honestly completely and utterly so grateful for this incredible experience and I'll miss each and every friend made along the way- 7 of which I hope to continue to see. At school, that is, as we've all grown so much closer through this trip and I love that we've all come from different "cliques" but have still managed to become almost like a family. I miss Nicky, Riban, Hanna Brata, Dudu, Karin, Miranthi, Mira, Rubiks, Nur, Dessy, Anna, Ratih, Bunga, Citra, Berlei, Maya, Yoga, Sef, Brahm (even Brahm!), Anggi, Johannes...RAYMOND!, Prima, Alfath, "Chinese Pig", Siti, Bella, Wira, my entire X.6 class, Diah, Tarka and lots more. Aduh. Sedih sekali.
I think it's fair to say, or even needless to say, that this has been the best summer yet.
(By the end of this entry, I was crying. I'm not understanding all these crying episodes. Since when did my life get so emotion inducing?)



I thought that picture was cute. The guy on my left is Riban, and next to Deborah is Alfath. They were best friends, mayhaps, and Alfath had such a thing for Deborah. But hey, most all guys at Krida did. Except Riban. He's mine;)
I'm having such Indonesia withdrawals and it's Terrible. With a Capital T.
Anyway, that's all. I did a lot of stuff and met a lot of people and felt confused a lot of the time. It was fun, and I'm so glad I went.

xx

By the way, the title is a Backstreet Boys' reference. I hope people got that.