So I was kind of super excited...I don't know why. It might have been because of all the sugar running through my veins like sharp surges of scalding mercury excoriating my very being. My brittle bones (from the calcium I supposedly lack due to my *unhealthy* vegan diet) shuddered with exertion as I dragged my flesh burdened corpse down my street as the clouds slowed to a halt to watch.
I'm done. How do people use adjectives and still write well? This I well never understand.
I'm going to go to the kitchen and make dinner >insert sexist joke here< TTFN.
I'm back and dinner was edible. Quite honestly, I feel like I deserve applause even though I've made dinner a far few times; it's still an acomplishment.
Tra la la. I'm so tired all the time. Why? Why does Gos want this? Do I even believe in God? My friend Emily actually went away and researched all the different types of agnosticism, because when she asked I believed in God I told her that I wanted to, but couldn't. It's just life would be so much easier I think, if I did. I wouldn't have to lie to my extended family and I'd be able to go to church and soak up God's word like the Shamwow absorbs tsunamis. Emily came back with this theory: (this was quite a while ago though, I just haven't thought about it much lately because there's other stuff rushing through my head) I'm what they call an agnostic theist. It means I don't believe in God, but only because I feel that we, as humans, aren't able to know of supernatural beings like a God. I think. I'm not sure if this is true. All I can say is, I'll never become atheist. Ever.
I know a lot of people who won't be able to understand this, but then I also know people who'd look at me and smile if I told them. I spoke to my mum about this and she sort of smirked and nodded. It's because I've felt that moment of utter conviction; that moment when you know He's real and it's like...you just feel complete. As if nothing could ever cause you to falter because all that matters is He's there. I can't explain this in words; it's just a feeling. I got it the day I visited the pentecostal church. I sat during their service in complete silence and disbelief; how could I feel so in awe of something I'd convinced myself didn't exist? But it was real and I felt it. Sort of a warming sensation from the inside. Atheists are generally lovely people, as are people of all religions, but I wonder how they...live. WHAT AM I SAYING? I'm not sure. I'm still completely out of it, even though I slept 15 hours last night.
So. I believe that when you die, you die. The idealistic part of me says that when you die, your soul is recycled. The rational side of me says that's bullshit. I don't believe in souls. I don't believe in miracles. I don't believe in fate or chance or destiny; I am not a determinist. I believe we control our own lives.
I feel sick.
So I guess what Emily says is true. But then, I've never liked labels. I'll never close my mind to the possibility of the existence of a being greater than the human race. In fact, it kind of comforts me knowing that there could be something that won't harm, abuse, be intolerant of or feel as if they are more deserving than others like mankind does.
I was talking to another friend of mine about his faith, and this is what he told me:
Him: I'd say I'm roughly borderline between Christian and Atheist
as in my religion is Christian, but I also am not entirely sure on the whole idea with God. Meaning,I would completely believe in him if I could see him. I'm not catholic.
Me: But then, if you're not so sure on the whole idea of God, what makes you Christian?
Him: There is no proof that I am a Christian, but I still have the right to choose my religion, whether or not I'm a devoted one or not.
To me, this makes no sense. Why identify with a faith you don't completely believe in? He attends church. Church is nice; being around people so within themselves, reaching out to touch the light of God.
I'm still confused. I still think and think and nothing ever changes, but as someone pointed out to me once, that's the story of humanity, really.
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