in your head they're fighting

I gave into consumerism today, and now I feel somewhat dead inside. I own a new pair of shiny black pointy flats that I’ve wanted to own for who knows how long (I actually do know, ever since year 9 when Amy strolled down the Butt Building corridor wearing them- she used to have such awesome style, and now she’s just another indie stoner) and I don’t even feel slightly uplifted. I think of how they could improve my wardrobe, and no. Just no. It just feels like more money flushed down the drain in the name of the filthy money mongering system and I am now hollow to the will of capitalism. FUCK I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. And I just swore. Ha HA. So evil and vulgar I am. Yet another deluded teenage delinquent who’s convinced they’ll conquer the world.

They’re size nine. And they’re a tad tight. But the ten was too big. I’m so confused. It’s like my ambiguity of shoe size is a METAPHOR for my inability to commit to anything or anyone. Stupid feet. How dare you be weirdly sized. I have a theory that I’m afraid. (I don’t think you can have theories about yourself, can you? But I have plenty!) Because it’s like the second someone shows an interest in me, in me alone, I get scared and insecure and feel cornered and my throat starts closing in on itself.

You know, I might have trust issues too.

Shopping centres are such horrible places. The people there walk around like robots, unblinking, lust, consume, waste. There’s no air, no spirit, no dust, no magic- everything looks the same and I can’t enjoy fashion in the way I generally consider it to be an art form. There’s no drama; no, I don’t really like you, apologetically dressed but I have to admit, on the other hand, I like what I wore today. I’d tell you, but it won’t sound cool, it’ll just be words on a page but I did wear my army boots today. I’ve decided to try an experiment; a challenge, if you can call something so trivial that, and that is to wear my boots every day for the next two weeks. Yay. How super pumped are you for me?! I’ll become just like one of those supposedly tough kids with anarchy tendencies who pretend they’re not conforming. Is anyone ever not pretending?



I want freedom.

DAH CUTENESS

I'll just add that to my collection of giraffe photos. (Why would anyone care?! Sorry. But this is my blog! DON'T READ IT IF I BORE YOU.)

One more day till slightly greater freedom.

Let be, let be, let be.

Much love,
From Me.

I've never felt like enough.

It stresses me out when there aren't enough people with lives I can stalk.

I have found that there is actually no greater pleasure in life for me, at this very moment in my life, than pounding the pavements at night time. I know I kind of waffled on about this in the last post... but really, I love walking alone in the early hours of the morning or the later hours of the evening, probably more than is sane or, you know, safe. I love how different the world looks at night; how trees become hives of activity and how the roads become empty and how electricity poles become pillars of irrational security.
The Earth just changes, and it's as if I'm the only person left, as sickeningly cliched as that is, but I welcome the solitude and the silence and it's weird how you can feel so alone but so a part of something wonderful at the same time, but then I have to question just how wonderful humanity really is...
I was required to attend a speech night tonight, held by the Invergowrie Foundation or something whose primary focus is the education of girls in Australia, and Tania de Jong spoke about the importance of not silencing your voice, no matter what life throws at you, and I have to admit, I did sit there bored and almost overwhelmed by her cheesy albeit well meaning speech until the end, when she showed us this video in which some recipients from her entrepreneurial charity, which is a choir made up of people from all walks of life, were interviewed. I hate to get all soft and emotional but what really struck me about the video was, really, the triump of human spirit that can be, that is seen from people all over the world in the most dire of circumstances and what really pains me is that so many people suffer at the hands of other people. Again, I'm going all cliched-emo-sentimental but though there are too many things about the human race that I dislike to go into, what I consider to be the most redeeming qualities of us will always remain constant, down through the ages- compassion and courage.
To completely change the topic... not really a fan of people who sound like badly worded thesauruses. Just speak properly. Please. It hurts my ears and my eyes to hear and see vomit that is pretentious for the sake of being pretentious and that doesn't even make sense.
Pyjamas are comfy.
I feel like I should be doing homework, but I literally have nothing to do. I even finished my Economics, but I should probably do it again considering I attempted it at 3 in the morning....
And so nothing to do! I hate losing people. I hate when it feels like I can't stop it either.

Why do posts always end up trailing off like this? I guess, in true nerual style, I just got bored:D

I like the air best when it's crisp and smells of fire.

Just like I like the road best when I can stomp my boots right down the middle of it to the sounds of Lykke Li, and how the sky is at my favouritest when it's dark with clouds that have positioned themselves arbitrarily.

You Know You're Tired When....

- You fall asleep while blow drying your hair.
- Coffee (the joy of life!) makes you think, Oh no, I can’t take any more
- Bananas become a confusing concept for you
- You yell at your brother in a foreign language
- Your head is constantly in pain
- Showers in the black of morning are spent mourning the death of oh so sweet night time
- Floors and tables are indistinguishable from beds in your eyes
- You laugh hysterically at your dad’s jokes and then
- You grumble at your dad to ‘Stop Being So Loud. Dammit.’
- You find your adorable dog annoying
- You stop caring
- You feel engulfed by life and VCE and crazy shiz that’s going down errrrywhere

I’m sorry if I’m ever incredibly rude! It’s mainly because I want to pass out.

However, we must keep going! It's almost holidayyys, oh the summer dayz. That aren't so summery any more, but hey, there'll be sunshine of some kind, I'm sure, and that thought alone is sustaining me. You know how you get near the end of something and you feel like you've done so much and you just can't be bothered to finish off the last morsel of activity...that may just be me, and my non committal attitude to everything, but No! Not this year. I refuse. I will COMMIT.

Here is a tip. My dad is big on tips, especially ones from extremely old dead guys who wrote poetry.



I like this take on the original quote. I wrote this on the inside of my wardrobe, so it's the first thing I see whenever I reach for clothes. It's a wonderful message, even with the obscenity of language.

LOVE.

Who are you?

Take away your family, your friends, your life as you know it, and what's left of you?
"Is this a trick question? I'm dead, right?"
How much do other people make up our identity? Is it so much that we're not able to be ourselves without them? Does this only happen because we let them, or does nature just roll us into this pattern of needing the people we know to the point that without them we feel like we're missing part of us?
I hate disconnecting with others. But at the same time, I think silence is a huge chunk of what I am too.